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Laramie Movie Scope:

Top 10 theories explaining Bush's victory

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by Robert Roten, Film Critic
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December 14, 2004 -- Top 10 theories explaining Bush's victory:

10 -- The safe investment theory: A lot of people like safe investments, like bank interest, certificates of deposit and treasury bonds. The problem is none of these investments have been worth anything for the past eight years due to low interest rates. The Bush Administration is borrowing trillions of dollars and increasing the national debt dramatically. That strategy will drive up interest rates on safe investments and accellerate inflation. It is a strategy that captured the safe investor vote. Get out of the stock market while you've still got a shirt. Save your gold coins. It is going to get so safe to invest it will be scary.

9 -- The affirmative action theory: Republican secretaries of state in certain key battleground states gave Bush a helping hand by not counting a significant number of votes for Kerry. This is affirmative action in that fine old Republican tradition. Give the mentally challenged a helping hand by giving them a job, the presidency. Remember, it is a hand up, not a handout.

8 -- The Al Qaida booster theory. Al Qaida was a major Bush booster, because Bush is the biggest promoter Al Qaida ever had. He's brought in more money and more recruits to that formidable organization than any previous American administration. Bush's decision to invade Iraq confirmed what Bin Laden has been saying about America for years. In gratitude, Al Qaida delayed its plans for a nuclear attack on New York until after the election, hoping for a Bush victory. When it happened, Bin Laden was heard to chant “arbaa' sanawaat akthar!” (four years more) repeatedly. He personally sent messages of thanks to various Fox News talking heads.

7 -- The liberalism theory: Voters backed Bush because they want big government and less freedom. Bush is the leading liberal in the country. His “spend and spend” monetary policies have outdone the old, more fiscally conservative “tax and spend” policies of the Democrats. He has also out-liberaled the Democrats by overseeing the biggest increase in both the size and power of government in 60 years, primarily through the creation of the Homeland Security department. He has also supported a corresponding decrease in personal liberties, through the Orwellian-titled Patriot Act. He has left no ground on the left for the Democrats to occupy. While the Bush Administration has not been able to catch Osama Bin Laden, it has made the United States safe from Cat Stevens.

6 -- The atomic voting theory: Bush had the advantage of getting all the votes of people who pronounce the word nuclear as “newkular.” Both defects are believed to be caused by mind-rotting radiation and faulty information emanating from televisions and video games.

5 -- The desiccation theory: It is a well-known fact that Americans don't drink enough water and this tends to dry up their brains. This is why the states farthest from the ocean tended to vote for Bush, while the coastal and Great Lakes states tend to vote for the smarter guy.

4 -- The Bambino curse reverse theory: Since the Red Sox won the world series this year, they used up all the good luck in the New England region, leaving none for Kerry. Note that immediately after the Sox won the series, the Patriots lost their first game after winning the previous 21 straight and The Big Dig started leaking water as well as money. Kerry's loss was the ultimate cost of the Red Sox breaking the “Curse of the Bambino” (the Red Sox had not won a world series since the team sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees).

3 -- The color-coding theory: The famous election maps used to analyze voting patterns in the U.S. helped Bush to victory. The areas voting Democratic are depicted in a blue color, while areas voting Republican are depicted in a red color. The public was thus conditioned to respond to the symbolism in Bush's highly effective, ominous campaign slogan: “Better red than dead.”

2 -- The country music theory: Since Bush won practically all the states where country music dominates the airwaves, we can conclude that country music diminishes intelligence. The same effects can be observed in habitual talk radio listeners or reality television viewers.

1 -- The wrath of God theory: The election result was God's punishment for America having mean-spirited, apathetic, vindictive, irrational voters. The full wrath is yet to come: This was foretold in the book of Revelation, Chapter 9, verse 12: “One woe is past; and, behold, there come two more woes thereafter.” Lord have mercy!

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Copyright © 2004 Robert Roten. All rights reserved.
Reproduced with the permission of the copyright holder.
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Robert Roten can be reached via e-mail at my last name at lariat dot org. [Mailer button: image of letter and envelope]

(If you e-mail me with a question about this or any other movie or review, please mention the name of the movie you are asking the question about, otherwise I may have no way of knowing which film you are referring to)