(1987) In November 1983, H.I. McDunnough (Nicolas Cage), narrating this whopper, meets police-department photographer Edwina "Ed" (Holly Hunter) as he's being processed into the Maricopa County Maximum Security Prison in Tempe, Arizona, for robbing a convenience store.

(Actually, the prison is in Florence, AZ; Arizona State University is in Tempe. But that's the least of the problems with this screwed-up romantic comedy from director Joel and producer Ethan Coen, who together wrote the screenplay.)

A recidivist, twice paroled and twice more readmitted, Hi (who never uses ammo in his holdups), contemplating revenge or rehabilitation, finally decides to go straight and weds Ed, who had earlier been left high and dry by a previous fiancé. Getting a job as a sheetmetal worker, Hi realizes that the only difference between prison and work is having Ed and a paycheck. The only thing missing from their happy little trailer is a baby.

After plenty of effort on Hi's part, Ed finds out that she's barren where Hi's "seed could find no purchase." Because of Hi's criminal past, adoption agencies turn them down. That's when news of the "Arizona Quints," five baby boys born to Florence and Nathan Arizona (owner of the Unpainted Arizona furniture-and-fixtures outlets, "or my name ain't Nathan Arizona"), plants a seed that does sprout into a blooming plan: some have so many while "others have so few."

Hi kidnaps one of the nippers. Soon after a pair of fugitives, Gale (John Goodman) and Evelle (William Forsythe) Snoat show up at their buddy's place, imbibing beer and asking Ed why she isn't breast feeding the infant - their concern being that the prison counselor had informed them that their mother's neglecting to breast feed them contributed to their anti-social behavior.

Next Hi's foreman Glen and his wife Dot and their undisciplined children come over to see the baby (whose name changes from Junior to Hi Jr to Edward Jr). When the married-with-children couple (who have been frustrated in their own efforts to adopt another child) finds out that Ed hasn't taken the baby to a pediatrician for shots and Hi hasn't obtained a life-insurance policy, they raise specters of disasters awaiting the unprotected family.

Feeling the weight of all these new responsibilities, Hi takes a stroll with Glen, acknowledging how the duties of parenthood deaden the old excitement, among the saguaro cacti where Glen the swinger tries to interest Hi in swapping wives. Well, Hi and Ed may not be anyone's idea of Ozzie and Harriet, but Hi isn't about to go that low route.

Instead, figuring he'll get fired for breaking Glen's nose, responding to the call of his nature, he takes the middle road to a Shop and Stop, sticking up the clerk for a big package of Huggies. From here the film careens off into a crazy car chase and foot race, guns ablazing.

Failing to interest Hi in a series of bank heists ("until we retire or get caught"), the Snoats kidnap the kid after Glen, figuring the baby was stolen, has demanded Hi give him Nathan Jr as blackmail. That's when "the warthog from hell," Leonard Smalls (Randall "Tex" Cobb) - his friends call him Lenny, but he has no friends - appears like a vision on a Harley out of Hi's dream.

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Copyright © 2009 Patrick Ivers. All rights reserved.
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