(1988) Returning from Beirut after taking on Arafat, Khadafi, Idi Amin, Gorbachev, and Khomeini altogether all at once - "And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!" - Lt Frank Drebin of Los Angeles's Police Squad hears that his girlfriend Victoria has run off with another man and that his partner Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) has been shot six times.

Fellow officer Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) gives Frank the bad news about Nordberg in the critical ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle: "Doctors say he's got a 50-50 chance of living, though there's only a 10% chance of that." But in retrospect, the best line in the movie may be when Mrs Wilma Nordberg says of her husband: "He never wanted to hurt anyone."

Director David Zucker with his team of co-screenwriters - Jerry Zucker, Jim Abrams, Pat Proft, and himself - created a silly (a squad car driving through a locker room full of naked girls and then through the rooms of a house during the opening credits), stupid (Drebin's back flipping through his apartment), ridiculous (safe sex with couple enclosed within Titan latex full-body condoms), funny (car chase with a panicky student driver and her calm-and-collected instructor), ludicrous (Drebin's back flipping through his apartment), gross (bathroom and spitting scenes), dumb (lines that flub), funny movie that spawned even worse imitations.

The Mayor (Nancy Marchand) assigns Frank and the Police Squad to providing security for Queen Elizabeth II's visit to the City of Angels, which will include a baseball game between the Seattle Mariners and the California Angels. Vincent Ludwig (Ricardo Montalban), a pillar of the community and chairman of the queen's reception committee, agrees to a $20-million contract from Mr Pahpshmir (get it?) to assassinate the royal monarch by means of a wristwatch capable of sensory-induced hypnosis attached to an unsuspecting person.

On a visit to Ludwig's luxurious office, Lt Drebin makes acquaintance with Miss Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley), "a full set of curves" and Ludwig's assistant; her boss gives her an assignment to get to know Drebin better, so she falls in love with him. Additionally, Frank's given just 24 hours to clear Nordberg of the suspicion of dealing drugs (actually he'd been undercover trying to bust a heroin ring on one of Ludwig's boats).

While searching without a warrant through Ludwig's office, Frank manages to destroy valuable oil paintings and Ming-dynasty vases, set fire to the building, and commit sexual assault with a concrete dildo on a woman in an adjacent apartment. At the baseball game he sings the national anthem and umpires behind the plate, looking and feeling for the suspected assassin.

Among those playing themselves are "Weird Al" Yankovic, California's rightfielder Reggie Jackson (retired from baseball in 1987, but played for the Angels in 1986), Seattle's lead-off hitter Jay Johnstone (also a former Major League player), 3rd-base umpire Jim West (at the time an active MLB umpire), 1st-base umpire Hank Robinson (an actor who often had the role as an umpire in numerous films and TV programs), announcers Curt Gowdy, Tim McCarver, Mel Allen, Jim Palmer, Dick Vitale, and Dr Joyce Brothers.

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Copyright © 2010 Patrick Ivers. All rights reserved.
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